The Four Cups Paradigm for Dating and Marriage

Singles are getting married later and later. Online dating is the Wild Wild West. With telework, many people are just not meeting anyone new. In addition to these hurdles, there are internal obstacles that many singles are not even aware of or choose not to address. They can be an unbiblical view on dating and marriage, unaddressed sin, or poor approaches towards dating. With so many issues to deal with in dating, sometimes it feels overwhelming. Where do we start?

The Four Cups Paradigm for Dating and Marriage is one way of looking at the issues we are facing with dating and marriage. It is not the only way nor is it really anything special. It is the way BACS has developed to break down four areas of life to evaluate ourselves and figure out a plan to address these areas. People need structure and direction; this is what the Four Cups offers.

Each cup is important in the dating process. The fuller the cup, the better off you are in this area. If a particular cup is empty, it means there are major problems that need addressing or there’s a good chance you might not get married at all. Sure, people can date and get married with an empty cup. But if that is the case, the person is probably in for a rough ride when they are marriage. All cups are important but the most foundational cup is Cup 1. Each subsequent cup is built on the others.

Cup 1 – Spiritual Worldview

We are big-picture oriented. What we believe is most important. Our belief system, or worldview, determines everything about our lives. Everyone has a worldview, some come in the form of traditional historic religions but others come in the form secular humanism or scientism. Even if a person does not have a formal name for their worldview, they have a worldview. Our worldview determines everything about how we live our lives.

Foundational in our worldview is our belief about God. Does God exist? Who is God? What is God’s character? What does God want from us? These beliefs shape every part of our lives especially in the area of marriage. Why is this the case? Because your belief in God determines your understanding of your purpose in life. And your purpose in life determines why you marry and who you marry.

Your belief in God determines your understanding of your purpose in life. And your purpose in life determines why you marry and who you marry.

If we are created by God and God has designed marriage, it behooves us to align our worldview with one that is consistent with our Creator. If we are having problems with dating, it is very likely due to incorrect views which we hold.

Some areas in Cup 1, Spiritual Worldview, which need addressing are:

The myth of a Mr./Ms. Right, a Soulmate, or The One that God has created. We mistakenly believe our job is to find this person to live happily ever after.
Compatibility is the key. There is a faulty view that if we find the most compatible person then we will have the best chance at a great marriage. They serve in the worship ministry, we serve in the worship ministry. They are called to overseas missions, we are called to overseas missions. Compatibility is great but it is not what will cause a marriage to last through the years.
People fall in and out of love. The church has fallen for the world’s values, we believe falling out of love justifies divorce. What are God’s criteria for divorce? If we marry someone with a different “divorce checklist” (what qualifies for a divorce), then our marriage may end sooner than we believe it should.
Together forever. We’ve fallen victim to the Hollywood view that marriage is eternal. Two married people are forever joined into eternity. This sounds romantic. But the biblical view is arguably more romantic. Marriage is actually temporal, only in this life.
Marrying a non-Chrisitan is ok. This view breaks our hearts the most. Countless Christians have fallen prey to this destructive view. Many marry a non-Christian. Some are happy to marry their partner once they provide the simplest profession of faith. The horror stories of Christians marrying non-Christians or spouses who are only Christian in name are too many. The consequences are incomprehensible when we are wrapped up in the euphoria of being “in love.” “An ounce of prevention is worth ~~a pound~~ a ton of cure” which is why this is a consistent topic we address. The real question is not whether a Christian can marry a non-Christian; that is missing the point completely. The real question is how can a Christ-follower marry someone who does not follow Christ.

Our view of God, and life will be the most important factors that will determine our marriage; why we marry and who we marry. Our views on marriage will determine why we date, how we date, and who we date.

Cup 2 – Life Maturity

No one is ever prepared for marriage (especially marriage with children). There are some life maturity issues which are huge hurdles to getting married. As a single person, these life maturity issues aren’t a big issue especially if one lives alone. Sure, they may be an issue with your family and some friends, but they aren’t that bad, or so we think. But these issues come to the forefront and become huge issues when we date and especially when we are married. We encourage all BACS members to do an inventory and to determine what needs addressing in their lives now and to take action.

Life Maturity issues are like a cavity. In the beginning, cavities aren’t visible nor do they cause any pain. Sometimes these cavities are visible only through an x-ray. But once the cavity is there, the enamel has been damaged, it’s just a matter of time before the decay gets deeper and deeper until it hits the root. Once it hits the root, it is Code Red; action needs to be taken. Life maturity issues are like cavities. You may have them and they may not affect you now. But if left unaddressed, one day they will become very painful and costly. Hopefully, life maturity issues don’t come up while dating a potential great partner.

Life maturity issues are like cavities. You may have them and they may not affect you now. But if left unaddressed, one day they will become very painful and costly.

This is the some with our Life Maturity issues. If we have not worked on ourselves, it may not affect us as singles. But once we start dating, get married, or have children, the issues are front and center. What are some of these issues we encourage singles to address now?

Struggle with lust, pornography, and masturbation
Bursts of anger
Uncontrollable jealousy
Poor knowledge of God’s Word
Fear of rejection resulting in a lack of initiative
Discontentment with a preoccupation for the next thing for fulfillment
Unresolved past hurts with family and prior partners
Poor conversation skills – no eye contact, poor mannerisms, inability to play the ping pong game of conversing

Single Christians are you so focused on finding a great spouse that you’ve neglected to focus on making yourself a great spouse? Conduct an inventory of your three greatest flaws and address them today.

Cup 3 – Dating Approach

In the past, there were different ways to find a spouse like having parents meet to arrange a marriage between their children. Today, our culture has adopted the “dating” approach where a guy and girl meet, get to know each other, and determine if they want to marry each other. There is no one right way of finding a spouse. The Bible does not speak of dating nor does it lay out one specific approved way of finding a spouse.

Everyone has a dating approach. Some people are constantly going on dates, others play a more passive wait-and-see approach. You have people who want to date for years before getting married and then you have some who can date for a few weeks and are ready to say “I do.” Many people date and have no idea where they are going in the dating process and find out after a year that they have wasted all that time because they have focused on the fun of dating and not on the process of vetting the other person out.

Involved in the conversation. Cheerful delighted happy couple holding hands and looking at each other while sitting at the table in the restaurant and communicating

Some singles want the other person to be upfront about their intentions while others see that as being pushy. How many hangouts should it be before we lay out our intentions? Is a dinner at a fancy restaurant appropriate for a first date? If not, when is it appropriate? Is going to a movie an effective date? Should the guy pay for the date? Would that create an obligation, be offensive in this modern day and age, or is it basic chivalry?

Everyone has their ideal of how the dating process looks. The problem is no one agrees. Here are some of BACS’ core principles on the dating process:

The goal of each date is not to win the person over but to get to know the person to determine if you want to go further. The goal of modern dating is to win the person over, get a kiss at the end of the night and to get a second date. We do this by impressing the person with the way we dress, having a fun time doing a fun activities, and dining at a nice restaurant. This is a faulty approach as this means we are trying to win someone to be our boyfriend/girlfriend when we barely know them. Dating is for the purpose of getting to know someone. This means having meaningful conversations is vital to a date. Sure, fun and a good meal would help but if each person does not leave knowing the other person better then the date has not served it purpose. Our philosophy in approach the first dates is to simply develop the friendship.
A guy and girl should know whether they want to get married within a year of dating. Aimless dating that goes on for years and years is usually due to major issues on the part of one or both partners. Couples who rush into marriage after knowing each other for a short period of time can also have potential red flags such as being infatuated with the other person or making an idol out of marriage which causes them to want to get married as soon as possible.
Guys and girls can initiate with a caveat. We believe in a marriage relationship, the husband does have the role of having the sacrificial initiative-taking leader’s role. Although in a dating relationship, those roles of a husband and wife don’t apply, nevertheless, some of the dynamics ought to be growing in the relationship. It is unrealistic for a guy to believe he is to sacrifice for his wife when he takes no initiative in sacrificing in certain areas in the dating relationship. A common problem for girls is the wait-to-be-asked-out approach towards dating. Even with a complementarity view of marriage, a woman can take the initiative without actually usurping a guy’s initiative. Look up our article on the Ikea Method. Men suffer with fear and passivity. Girls ought not initiate in a manner that reinforces a guy’s fear and passivity.

One of the biggest hurdles for single Christians, especially women, is the overspiritualization of dating.

Putting too much into first dates. One of the biggest hurdles for single Christians, especially women, is the overspiritualization of dating. In many Christian circles, going on a date is an all-in or all-out decision. Unless we know that the guy is husband material and that God is making it clear that he is “the one” then we do not dare put ourselves in the dangerous place of giving them the wrong message by going on a coffee date. By putting too high of a requirement, we make the barrier of entry into the world of finding a spouse too high. The result is many years and decades go by and we remain unmarried. Everyone has a dating bias in this area. Some people are willing to date anyone and need to be more selective. Others are too restrictive and need to be more open to getting to know others of the opposite sex. In our experience, most single Christians we encounter are too restrictive. Look at first dates simply as a time to fellowship and to get to know a brother or sister. Based on how that goes, you can decide what to do then. Don’t put the cart of marriage before the horse of dating.

Cup 4 – Network

The last cup, although not foundational, is absolutely essential to getting married. In order to get married, we have to meet people. Most singles are simply not meeting enough people. Assuming our criteria for a spouse is biblical and not over-the-top and we have our other three cups decently filled, getting married is a numbers game. This is not meant to trivialize those we are dating. But imagine this, if we aren’t meeting anyone then our chances of getting married are a big “0.” There is no way of getting around this. Ok, maybe there is a way around this which is your parents set you up with someone and you get married. But would we really want to put all our eggs in this basket?

Getting married is a numbers game…There is no way of getting around this.

Most people are not living under a rock to where they are meeting zero people. But many are meeting only a handful of single Christians of the opposite sex in a month or even a year. Now God is capable of anything but if we are meeting very few people, we are really testing God. We are not helping our cause.

Unfortunately, many Christians come from a church background that frowns on single Christians taking action. Going out to meet other Christians for the purpose of possibly finding a spouse seems self-serving. This is a view that the church desperately needs to change. If marriage is not pursued as an idol but as the good thing that God created it to be, marriage ought to be pursued unapologetically and with urgency. When we say urgency, we are not saying desperately. Urgency in finding a marriage partner means we understand that time goes by fast and that the window to start a family is much smaller than most people think. If we don’t meet other singles, we are not getting married.

If we don’t meet other singles, we are not getting married.

The Network Cup is a way to evaluate our current prospects towards marriage and what we are doing on a monthly basis to improve that. Imagine if you could make a list of every single Christian of the opposite sex of an acceptable age range for marriage that you know. For every one of these individuals, you get to drop one drop of water into a cup. Wherever the water fills up to is yours current prospects for marriage. Some of us, the cup would be pretty low and for some pretty high. These are the people you have to work with right now, they are old college friends, friends of friends, or other members at your church. Consider these individuals, have you written them off too prematurely? In our experience, the answer is usually “yes.” We encourage singles to re-evaluate these prospective partners.

But what if your cup of existing prospects is very low or you’ve gone through all these prospects and there are no eligible partners? What we need to do is fill that up! We need to pour more water into that cup, i.e. consistently meet more single Christians. This is what single Christians need to do as a priority if they want to get married. There is no way around this.

Close up pouring drinking water into glass, studio shot

Meeting new people is very difficult for some but it is easily overcome with a few simple tips.

Partner with other single Christians to visit other singles groups.
Partner with other single Christians to organize a social event for singles.
Create a profile on a dating app. Although online dating comes with issues, it is nevertheless another tool that can be used.
Approach the endeavour through the perspective of being faithful to God. If you’ve prayed to God for a spouse, it is only right for us to be faithful by taking action.
Reorient your goal by understanding that your purpose in meeting new singles is not to marry them but to develop a friendship to determine if there is potential for a relationship.

the 10/1/1 goal

The biggest problem for single Christians meeting other singles Christians is there is no goal in mind. Single Christians go about their life as they have been for the last decades of their single life and are not doing anything different. They work at the same job, go to the same church (sometimes small churches with only a handful of other singles), and have the same social circles as they had after they graduated from college. Unless this person takes action to meet new single Christians, their prospects for getting married are pretty slim.

In order to help create results, BACS encourages all members to aim for the 10/1/1 Goal.

10 – Meet 10 new single Christians of the opposite sex each month. This may seem difficult but can easily be accomplished by going to a singles event every month.
1 – Partner with other single Christian friends to organize one social each month. Invite single Christian friends to the group and encourage them to invite their single Christian friends. We encourage partnering because you get better results than if it was Bob organizing a BBQ and inviting Jane, Mary, and Elizabeth.
1 – Go on one date a month. A date does not have to be a romantic candlelight dinner. We encourage first dates to be very casual, simple, and non-threatening. A coffee date or walk in the park is perfect for a first date. The purpose of this first date is to develop a friendship, that’s it. Get to know this person a little more to determine if you appreciate the friendship enough to want to get to know them more.

Initially, the 10/1/1 Goal seems overwhelming. However, we have seen that this simple goal has resulted in tremendous progress for BACS members. It gives single Christians something to aim for. Some singles hear of this goal and throw their hands up in the air claiming the goal is unachievable. It certainly is unachievable but what is the alternative, to continue the course with no goals and to continue to not meet any new single Christians?

Other Christians have also objected to this believing that this 10/1/1 Goal makes a person become a sort of “player.” I believe at the root of this is a flawed view which can include the idea that being proactive in meeting people is ungodly, not trusting in God to bring someone, or viewed as coveting and being desperate. Our response is that simply having this goal does not make any of that true. Certainly, people who have goals can be motivated by flawed motivations. But the heart of the matter is what is important. It is possible to have God as the center of our hearts and take action.

Our Hope

The Four Cups Paradigm is one way of helping single Christians figure out where they are strong and where they are lacking. If we are not aware of where we are lacking, it is difficult to know what we need to address.

Our boys have shown a great interest in basketball. The game of basketball has so many facets. It is unrealistic to help someone improve their basketball game simply by telling them to do better and keep trying. A good student of the game of basketball evaluates themself. They determine which part of their game needs improving. Are they not able to dribble well? Are they not able to use their left hand to finish layups? Are they not shooting with their legs? When they play defense are they standing too upright and being too slow to react? When they box out, are they not getting low enough? When we are faced with a problem, unless we breakdown where we need to improve, we are likely not going to improve.

When we are faced with a problem, unless we breakdown where we need to improve, we are likely not going to improve.

In all our seminars and articles, we hope to be a sort of coach to help expose weaknesses. We hope that the Four Cups Paradigm serves as a tool to help single Christians determine where they are lacking and how they can better equip themselves for dating, marriage, and ultimately, life.