The Flawed Approach of How Singles Meet Other Singles

BACS’ mission is to “Equip and Connect Bay Area Christian Singles for Dating and Marriage.” When it comes to connecting, it can feel like a pretty hopeless endeavor. The options usually boil down to: wait for newcomers to visit our church, or go online and open ourselves to online dating. One of the biggest complaints single Christians have is that their church isn’t focusing enough on creating events and opportunities for singles to meet other singles. This is a top-down approach—relying on the clergy to do the work while the laity sits back.

This is the same approach we take toward evangelism; it’s a “Come Approach.” Evangelism and dating have many parallels. Most evangelistic efforts by Christians rely on pastors and church leaders to organize the next evangelistic event, Easter service, Harvest Festival in place of Halloween, or the Christmas musical. Having these outreach events isn’t wrong, but most Christians have relied on them for the handful of evangelistic efforts they make during the year. And even when these events happen, it’s rare that a neighbor or friend comes, much less comes back a second time.

A better approach is the “Go Approach.” This is the model for evangelism and missions. Two of the most foundational passages on the church’s model for evangelism and missions are: Matthew 28:18-20 and Acts 1:8.

And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go thereforeAnd Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Matthew 28:18-20

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.

Acts 1:8

The intent of missions is to go out there—not stay in the church—and to be proactive. Christians are to seek the lost in all nations, starting in the immediate vicinity (Jerusalem), then the general region (Judea and Samaria), and finally to the end of the earth. Paul, in his missionary endeavors, was proactive, going to the synagogues where the Jews were and anywhere the Gentiles were found.

Our dating efforts should take a similar approach. Instead of waiting for a new single Christian of the opposite sex to visit our singles fellowship or church, we ought to go out there to where the single Christians are in order to connect. Remember, when it comes to dating and marriage, if your first three foundational cups are pretty full, then the last piece of the puzzle is the Network Cup. In other words, the only thing holding you back is meeting and connecting with more single Christians of the opposite sex; it’s a numbers game at that point.

What Are BACS MOEs and How Do They Fill the Gap?

BACS Member Organized Events (MOEs) is our push for more organic, decentralized, grassroots efforts to change the culture of Christian dating—specifically in how single Christians connect with other single Christians. Instead of the “Come Approach,” we want single Christians to take it (the “Go Approach”) upon themselves and create their own opportunities to connect with other single Christians. Just as evangelism goes to where the lost are, BACS MOEs are intended for single Christians to go where the single Christians are to make connections. 

These efforts will probably need to be done outside of one’s existing church.  The reason is, especially for single Christians who are older, there are simply not enough single Christians attending or regularly visiting one’s church to significantly expand the pool of single Christians to make a significant difference in our prospects towards marriage.  Meeting your future spouse will probably need to be done outside of your church. 

BACS MOEs are essentially single Christians creating the opportunities they’re all waiting for pastors and church leaders to create so they can find someone and get married. They are events, but the bigger idea is for single Christians to take their dating and marriage prospects into their own hands. We believe this change in mentality will change Christian dating culture and thereby increase the chances of Christians getting married, because they are no longer limited to the few single Christian visitors to their church each year, but can now exponentially increase the number of connections through their efforts.

Another requirement for BACS MOEs is that it must be an in-person event. Sure, online dating can connect us with many more people in a shorter period of time. But anyone who has dealt with online dating knows that the quality of those connections with other single Christians is often very disappointing. In-person events where we meet a person are the best way to gauge the other person, hands down.

Who Can Organize BACS MOEs?

Organizing events and inviting other people is a daunting task for most. What if they don’t like the event? What if I’m not good at planning? The good news is that BACS MOEs are meant to be done in a group. BACS MOEs require three sponsors who are BACS members. These sponsors can be organizers or committed to attending and supporting the event. There can be just one organizer or three. The reason we require three sponsors is:

1. It encourages others to attend when they know there will be a minimum of three BACS members present.
2. It promotes better safety and accountability, so that there are no events where there’s only an organizer and one attendee.

What’s the Difference Between a BACS MOE and a Regular Event I Organize?

The answer is, not necessarily much. We believe single Christians—whether part of BACS or not—organizing these events to connect single Christians is a crucial missing piece of the puzzle to change Christian dating culture. So, if it’s being done, whether it’s called a BACS MOE or not, we’re happy. The only differences with a BACS MOE are:

1. We help publicize your event to all of BACS.
2. The requirements for BACS MOEs and the vetted members who are sponsors give the event more credibility to reach a wider audience beyond one’s immediate circle of friends.

What Kind of Events Qualify for BACS MOEs?

BACS MOEs can be very flexible and creative as long as they meet the criteria below:

• Organized and open only to those meeting the three criteria to encourage connecting for the purpose of dating and marriage. The three requirements are that everyone attending is:
  1. Christian
  2. Single, not in a serious relationship (if divorced, a finalized divorce)
  3. Open to dating and marriage
• The events should not be normally occurring singles group events from churches.
• The event can be an already-organized event (e.g., a church’s Christmas musical, concert, etc.) as long as there is a specific group attending together that all meet the three BACS requirements. In other words, we do not want attendees to come to events where the other attendees include Christians who do not meet the three BACS requirements of being single Christians open to dating and marriage.
• Ideally, there is at least one male and one female who are sponsors of a BACS event.  

Yes, these events are restrictive and exclusive. Our aim is not to exclude others. But for single Christians to be effective in their efforts to get married, it works better when they can go to events where they know others attending have the same desire for dating for marriage. There will always be plenty of events for Christians to meet other Christians. What’s lacking for single Christians are spaces where they can confidently go and connect with other single Christians seeking marriage. Remember, BACS is not a singles fellowship; it is a fellowship for single Christians desiring to date for marriage.

BACS events can be as elaborate or as simple as the sponsors want. We prefer simple because it’s easy and reproducible over a long period of time. Some ideas for BACS events:

• Concert & dinner
• Hike & brunch
• Community service project
• Hang out at a coffee shop
• Board game night
• Watching a movie together
• A time of facilitated discussion to get to know each other

If you want to be a sponsor for a BACS event, please let us know. Remember, not all sponsors have to be organizers. There may be an organizer looking for other sponsors willing to commit to the event. We can help connect you. The best part of these events is you never know who you’re going to meet. And sure, it can be a lot of work organizing some of these events, but it’s going to take sacrificial single Christians to organize them to change the Christian dating culture. The current dating approach and culture is not working for many single Christians. Our vision is for single Christians throughout the Bay Area to look at organizing singles events for the purpose of connecting friends who desire marriage to be commonplace. These events can be BACS MOEs or just private events one organizes on their own. In either case, we believe this approach will change lives and set many up to meet their future spouse.

Organizing BACS MOEs

What are the steps to organizing a BACS MOE?  Here is the step-by-step:

1. Think of an event that you think would be a good BACS MOE.  If you need ideas, we can help.
2. Find two other sponsors.  There can be one primary organizer with the other two committed to attending and supporting, or you can have three organizers.  IF YOU CAN’T FIND TWO OTHER SPONSORS, LET US KNOW.  There are some BACS members who are willing to help sponsor an event. 
3. Send us information for the event.  More details on what to provide is listed below.
4. We will send out an email and post your information on social media.
5. The sponsors will take in responses, plan for the event, and coordinate the day of.
6. After the event, if you would like, you can provide photos so we can post on social media to further publicize the event and encourage future interest.
7. Rinse & repeat.

To organize BACS MOEs events, please send an email with the promotional material you’d like sent out (e.g., digital flyer). Please include in the email:

• Full names of the three BACS members who are sponsors of the event (organizing and/or committed to attending).
• Include the other two BACS members on the email to ensure they are aware they are sponsors.

For the event information, please include all of the below:

• Name of event
• Day of the week, duration, date, and start time
• Location of event (venue name and address)
• How the group can be found at the event (e.g., if going to a farmer’s market, where’s the initial meeting place? Will there be a balloon to designate your group?)
• Age range of attendees (or designate “open to all”)
• Cost of the event, if any
• RSVP method (Google form link, email for RSVP, or online RSVP link). We recommend a method to track responses.
• Contact name or email of at least one sponsor for questions (also helpful on the day of, if issues arise—late arrivals, getting lost, etc.)
• Graphic to include in email. If you don’t include one, we may create one to make it more appealing.

What Happens at BACS MOEs?

BACS MOEs events are entirely up to you—where they happen, what event, what activities; all these are completely up to the sponsors. But as sponsors, you also determine the spiritual and social depth of the event. If your goal is simply to get singles together, that’s fine. But we believe you have a lot more to offer to make the event more than just a get-together.

Our aim for BACS events is to help attendees get to know each other. We encourage sponsors to think of creative ways to move from merely meeting new acquaintances and having fun to helping attendees connect on a deeper level.

This is why, at BACS events, we focus on a few things:

• “At BACS, no one stands alone.” When anyone comes to a BACS event, our hope is they never feel like they’re by themselves. As the sponsor, set the tone to encourage attendees to mingle and meet new people. Facilitate mingling by mixing and matching attendees throughout the event. Suggestions:
  • Ice breaker – Start with an ice breaker so everyone can introduce themselves and set the tone.
  • Facilitate Mingling – If everyone is seated for dinner, have designated times to mix up seating so people sit with different people. This helps everyone meet all attendees. Announce this before dinner so the group knows it’s coming.
• Depth in relationships through facilitated discussions. The most important part of dates is not just how much fun you had, but how deeply you got to know the other person. At BACS, we try to help everyone get to know each other by facilitating discussions. We ask the deep questions to facilitate the process. As sponsors, compile some questions in advance.  Here are a few pointers for good questions:
  • Have easy icebreaker questions (hobbies, highlights from the last month, future plans).
  • Get deeper—ask how they became believers, their values in life, and move toward spiritual topics.
  • Focus on dating and marriage. Since BACS MOEs is a fellowship for single Christians wanting to date to get married, includes discussions on dating and marriage so participants can learn about each other in these areas.

As a sponsor, the group dynamics are largely determined by how you organize and lead the event. We believe you’re in a unique position to make the most of the group by setting the tone. BACS MOEs can be simply an event where single Christians attend—or it can be an event where your efforts help you or others meet that guy or girl who ends up being a spouse.

With BACS MOEs, we hope they will multiply the opportunities single Christians have to find a spouse. Instead of relying on your church or a singles group like BACS, consider taking things into your own hands and plan a BACS MOE. Start simple. Single Christians are yearning for friendships and the hope of marriage, and it’s not going to happen automatically. It’s going to take effort and sacrifice. Consider teaming up with other single Christians to make a difference. It might change your life—or someone else’s.

FAQ

If my church’s singles group is already organizing an event, can I make it a BACS MOEs?

We are fine with publicizing other singles events as long as the express purpose of the group is for connecting single Christians for dating and marriage. If it’s a normally planned singles ministry event, it probably would not fit a BACS MOEs. If the group is a singles group where there are singles who are in relationships of various stages (which is most churches’ singles groups), then this type of event would not meet the requirement for a BACS MOEs.  The reason is that BACS and BACS MOEs are events geared towards dating and marriage.  And with single Christians in different stages of being single, i.e., dating, in a serious relationship, or even engaged, at most churches’ singles groups, there’s no way that attendees would be able to go to such an event and know that attendees are single and open to relationships. 

Are BACS MOEs actual BACS events?

No, BACS MOEs are events sponsored by BACS members.  We just call them BACS MOEs if they meet the criteria.  When you bring up the idea of a BACS MOEs, it’s your event.  You and the other sponsors have complete say in how the event is.  We just have certain criteria for it to be recognized as a BACS MOE for it to be publicized to the BACS community.

Can we have BACS MOEs that are geared towards a certain age group?

Yes, BACS MOEs are completely your event, so you can have age requirements if you like.  In fact, we think having age requirements may be a good thing as it narrows down the event to help single Christians better meet their significant other.  If you want your event to have an age parameter, please list that in the email to us so we can ensure that requirement is listed when we publicize your event.

What if I organize a BACS MOE and there are single Christians in attendance who are already in a serious relationship?

Being single is a general term that people define in different ways.  For BACS MOEs, single means available to date, or not in a serious relationship.  But many people define singles as those are are in a serious relationship, engaged but not yet married – so there are varying definitions.  For BACS MOEs, the requirement that sponsors agree on is to publicize the event for single Christians, available to date, or not in a serious relationship. 

If in your event, you find out that one of the attendees does not meet the requirement, it’s possible that they were invited and did not know.  The best course of action is just to announce it to the group at that point. 

How can we be confident that BACS MOEs attendees are Christian?

The requirement for BACS attendees and BACS MOEs is that they are Christian.  But that’s not always possible to ensure that all attendees are Christian.  When events get publicized, friends invite friends, and not everyone has the same criteria to vet and figure out if someone is a Christian or not.  So, even though the requirements are clear, there’s always the possibility that attendees are not believers.

If I organize an event for singles and invite BACS members, do I need to publicize it as a BACS MOE?

No, we encourage BACS members to organize their own events even if they don’t publicize the event as an MOE.  MOEs are merely events that you organize that you want to publicize to the BACS community.  It’s your event, we just have certain criteria for it to be publicized as an MOE.

What if my BACS MOE conflicts with other singles events?

We encourage BACS MOEs to be planned so as not to conflict with other singles events, including those that are not BACS.  Monthly BACS events, and those of other single Christian groups, are usually publicized at least six months in advance.  However, we understand that avoiding scheduling conflicts is not always possible.  Our goal is to change the culture and the way single Christians find their spouse.  If certain scheduling conflicts occur, we would rather deal with the occasional conflict than quench your passion in organizing these events.   

“I want to plan a BACS MOE, but don’t have two other sponsors.”

Don’t worry.  If you have the heart to plan a BACS MOE, we can help you find two more sponsors.  Just contact us and we can figure it out.